After 6 years’ hiatus, I am coming back to my keyboard again. I needed to pent up my innermost feelings and clear away the confusions within me. Life has been like a yoyo since my beloved wife left me for Jesus on 6 February 2022, which was the 6th day of the Chinese New Year Calendar. Each time as I recalled how she struggled to sit down with the family for a toss of the Yu sheng on New Year’s Eve, tears again welled up from my eyes.
Wise men say time would heal. But like a broken bowl that had fallen onto the floor, no matter how hard one tried to glue the pieces back into the rightful places, it was never the same again.Those memories are not easy to wipe off entirely.
But the grieving has to stop…one way or other. It is not as if I am not ready to “let go”. So I am asking why there has to be so much suffering while we are on earth. and why God had allowed the pains to remain and they linger on into the night. And above all, what I should pray apart from asking God to strengthen my innermost being. I can see the flickering light at the end of the tunnel, Hallelujah. My God is real. The Holy Spirit ministers to me constantly, giving me comfort and peace. I don’t know how I could have overcome without the Lord’s help.
Being at home alone (when there used to be so much laughter and sharing of stories) can be stressful. So I hang out at Aeon Mall, Ikea for a cup of coffee, or at my favourite eatery at Desa Cemerlang. Although places like the mall are noisy, I could still do my reading or writing, like what I am doing now, at Nanyang Foodstop Junction, Desa Cemerlang. I can concentrate over a glass of Green Tea. If I were at home, invariably, I would go to the fridge or switch on the TV and nothing much was accomplished.
I know that she has gone to be with Jesus, and she is having a joyous celebration with the Lord. But sometimes, it is not easy to grapple with this “knowing” and “missing”. While still on earth, I also know that there is still much work for me to do, before I could “go home” although when given a choice, I would prefer to be “home”. Yes, it can be confusing and so often I am contradicting myself. But praise be to God, I am slowly crawling my way to living my life in eternity, even while I am still on earth. The journey has begun a long time ago since I accepted Him as my Lord and saviour…it is just that I haven’t realised this truth until recently.
People say that thinking about death is like staring at the sun, you can hardly tolerate it even for a short moment. It hurts. No? Instead of predicting when I will die on earth, why not spend more time on His precious words, and acknowledging His presence all the time. Living out the best I can and blessing others within (and without) my means. Wouldn’t it be more fruitful to see Him being glorified.
My view of Him is now much clearer as I am transformed by the renewing of my mind through meditating His words. Day by day, and come what may, my love for Him and faith in Him can only grow stronger. In a nutshell, I realise that all my confusions, all my frivolous thoughts was because I had not put Him the first place in my life.
While I wake up in the morning, knowing I am still breathing this earthly air, I declare “Maranatha” (meaning “Come Lord”) because this world is not my home. I am just a passing through.
Leonard's space 